Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
