i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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