if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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