I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
