Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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