WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
