She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
