I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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