Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
