Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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