Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
