How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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