Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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