I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
