you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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