hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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