i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
