Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
