Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
