your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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