It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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