Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
