i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
two words: eviction party
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
