So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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