Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
