he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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