Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
