You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
