you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
