FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
