Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
