he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?