P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?