I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm both gender and math confused