That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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