People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
