Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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