Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
