"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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