Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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