i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
