so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
