Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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