My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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