You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
