I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
