I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
