piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
