If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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