There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
