so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
