Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
