Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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