Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
