Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
