Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
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Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
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that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.