Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
