He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
