Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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