i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
