my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
